{"id":1086,"date":"2025-08-12T12:32:46","date_gmt":"2025-08-12T12:32:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/?p=1086"},"modified":"2025-08-12T12:32:46","modified_gmt":"2025-08-12T12:32:46","slug":"a-guy-walks-into-a-bar-with-his-pet-monkey","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/?p=1086","title":{"rendered":"A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey."},"content":{"rendered":"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.<\/h2>\n

He orders a drink and while he\u2019s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone\u2019s amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.<\/p>\n

The bartender screams at the guy, \u201cDid you see what your monkey did?\u201d<\/p>\n

The guy says, \u201cNo, what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table \u2013 whole!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, that doesn\u2019t surprise me,\u201d replied the guy. \u201cHe eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I\u2019ll pay for everything.\u201d<\/p>\n

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.<\/p>\n

Two weeks later, he\u2019s in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. \u201cDid you see what your monkey did now?\u201d he asks.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, what?\u201d replied the guy. \u201cWell, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!\u201d said the bartender.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, that doesn\u2019t surprise me,\u201d replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.<\/h2>\n

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.<\/p>\n

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.<\/p>\n

The blonde looked at Bob and said, \u201cDo you think he\u2019ll jump?\u201d<\/p>\n

Bob said, \u201cYou know, I bet he\u2019ll jump.\u201d<\/p>\n

The blonde replied, \u201cWell, I bet $20 he won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, \u201cYou\u2019re on!\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building.<\/p>\n

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. \u201cFair\u2019s fair. Here\u2019s your money.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bob replied, \u201cI can\u2019t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump.\u201d<\/p>\n

The blonde replied, \u201cI did, too, But I didn\u2019t think he\u2019d do it again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bob took the money.<\/strong><\/p>\n

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini.<\/h2>\n

Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d said a customer, \u201cI never saw anything as peculiar as that!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s so peculiar about it?\u201d the bartender said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHis wife sent him out for a jar of olives.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he\u2019s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":889,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1086","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-jokes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1086","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1086"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1086\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1087,"href":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1086\/revisions\/1087"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/889"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1086"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1086"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tappyli.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1086"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}